(Even When It’s Hard)
This may be the hardest chapter in this book.
Not because the command is complicated. It is one of the clearest things God ever said. And not because you do not understand it — you do. It is hard because your situation may be complicated, even when the command is not.
Some of you reading this have wonderful parents. They are present, they are trying, they love you the best way they know how. If that is you, do not skip this chapter. You need it — because it is easy to take good parents for granted until the day you no longer have them.
And some of you are reading this with a knot in your stomach. Because when someone says “honor your father and mother,” what comes to mind is not a warm feeling. Maybe your father left. Maybe your mother is harsh. Maybe one of your parents struggles with something that has turned your home into something unpredictable. Maybe they are not terrible people — just difficult ones, in ways that wear you down day after day.
This chapter is for all of you. Because the command does not change based on your circumstances.
Scripture puts it simply:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.”
— Ephesians 6:1–3 (NASB)
Paul is quoting from the Ten Commandments — from Exodus 20:12. But notice that he does not present it as an outdated relic of the Old Law. He repeats it under the New Covenant, to the church at Ephesus, and he reinforces it: this is the first commandment with a promise.
God does not attach promises to throwaway instructions. When He says that honoring your parents is connected to things going well with you, He means it.
This is not a suggestion. It is a command — and it comes with a promise attached.
The First Commandment with a Promise
Think about what Paul is saying. Of all the commandments God gave, this is the first one that comes with a specific promise of blessing. Not “do not steal.” Not “do not lie.” Honor your father and mother — that is the one God chose to reinforce with a promise.
Why?
Because God knows what this costs. He knows that parents are imperfect. He knew it when He gave the command. He was not speaking to children of perfect parents — those do not exist. He was speaking to every child. And He attached a promise to it because He knew that obedience in this area would require something of you.
The original command was given to Israel: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you” (Exodus 20:12, NASB). Paul picks it up and applies it to Christians. The principle carries forward. The command did not expire at the cross. It was confirmed.
What Does “Honor” Actually Mean?
This is where many people get confused — and where being honest with the text matters.
The word Paul uses in Ephesians 6:2 is the Greek word timao. It means to value, to regard as weighty, to treat as significant. It carries the idea of assigning worth to someone.
But notice something important. Paul uses two different words in this passage. In verse 1, he says “obey.” In verse 2, he says “honor.” These are not the same thing.
Obedience is about compliance — doing what you are told. It is the word Paul uses for children who are still under their parents’ authority. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Honor is broader and deeper. It is about how you regard someone, how you speak about them, how you treat them. And unlike obedience, honor has no expiration date. You may outgrow the season of obedience to your parents. You will never outgrow the command to honor them.
A grown woman does not obey her mother the way a ten-year-old does. But a grown woman should still honor her mother — in how she speaks to her, how she speaks about her, how she treats her, and how she regards her in her heart.
Obedience has a season. Honor is for life.
When It Is Easy
If you have parents who love you, who are present, who are trying to raise you well — even imperfectly — you have been given a gift. Do not miss it.
It is easy when you are young to see only your parents’ flaws. They embarrass you. They do not understand your world. They say the wrong things in front of your friends. They hold you to standards that feel outdated or unfair.
Can I tell you something? You will not always have them.
The day will come — sooner than you think — when you would give almost anything to hear your mother tell you what to do one more time. When the house that felt so suffocating will be the place you miss most. When the voice that annoyed you will be the voice you long to hear again.
Do not wait until then to honor them.
Honor them now by listening — really listening — even when you think they are wrong. Honor them by speaking respectfully, even when you are frustrated. Honor them by obeying while you are under their roof, even when you disagree. Honor them by being the kind of daughter they do not have to worry about when they lay their heads down at night.
The writer of Proverbs says it this way:
“Listen to your father who begot you, and do not despise your mother when she is old.”
— Proverbs 23:22 (NASB)
And a few verses later:
“Let your father and your mother be glad, and let her rejoice who gave birth to you.”
— Proverbs 23:25 (NASB)
You have the power to bring your parents gladness or grief. Every day, in how you treat them, you are choosing one or the other.
When It Is Hard
Now the harder conversation.
Some of you do not have the parents described above. Your father is absent — physically, emotionally, or both. Your mother is controlling, or volatile, or battling something that makes your home feel unsafe. Maybe your parents are divorced and you are caught in the middle of two worlds that do not fit together. Maybe the person who was supposed to protect you is the one who has hurt you.
This chapter does not pretend those realities do not exist. And it will not insult you by offering easy answers to hard situations.
But here is what it will say: the command still stands.
Honor your father and mother — even when it is hard.
That probably feels unfair. And I understand why. But before you push back, let me explain what honor does not mean in these situations.
Honor does not mean pretending everything is fine when it is not. Honor does not mean accepting mistreatment and calling it love. Honor does not mean staying silent when speaking up would protect you or someone else. Honor does not mean enabling a parent’s sin by covering for them, lying for them, or allowing them to destroy themselves and everyone around them without consequence.
Honor does not require you to be a doormat. God never asked that of anyone.
But honor does mean refusing to return evil for evil. Paul wrote to the Romans:
“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.”
— Romans 12:17 (NASB)
That is not just advice for dealing with strangers. It applies to your parents too. When they are harsh, you do not have to be harsh in return. When they are unkind, you do not have to match their unkindness. You can be honest about what they have done — to a trusted adult, to a counselor, to God — without tearing them apart publicly, without savaging their name, without returning wound for wound.
That is honor in a hard place. And it is one of the bravest things a young woman can do.
What Honor Looks Like in Hard Places
Let me be specific, because vague advice does not help anyone.
If your parent is difficult but not dangerous — if they are frustrating, overbearing, harsh with their words, or simply hard to be around — honor looks like this: speaking respectfully even when they do not. Choosing patience when your instinct is to fight back. Praying for them — not performatively, but sincerely. Not gossiping about them to your friends. Trying, genuinely trying, to see the burdens they carry that you may not fully understand yet.
If your parent is dangerous — if there is abuse, if addiction has created an unsafe home, if their behavior puts you or others at genuine risk — honor does not mean staying in harm’s way. Protecting yourself is not dishonoring your parent. Telling a trusted adult — a teacher, a counselor, an elder, a grandparent — is not betrayal. It is wisdom. Sometimes it is the most honoring thing you can do, because it says: this situation is not right, and I believe we both deserve better than this.
Even in the hardest situations, honor means you do not let their failures define who you become. You can choose to be kind even though someone was unkind to you. You can choose to be present even though someone was absent from your life. You can choose to be faithful even though someone broke faith with you.
You are not responsible for what your parents did. You are responsible for who you become.
Jesus and His Mother
Even Jesus honored His mother.
Think about that for a moment. The Son of God — the One through whom all things were created — submitted Himself to the authority of a human mother and an earthly father. Luke records that as a boy, Jesus “continued in subjection to them” (Luke 2:51, NASB). The Creator of the universe obeyed Mary and Joseph.
And at the very end of His life, while He was dying on the cross, in unimaginable agony, He looked down and saw His mother standing there. And even then — even in that moment — He thought of her. He turned to the disciple He loved and said:
“Woman, behold, your son!”
And then He said to the disciple:
“Behold, your mother!”
— John 19:26–27 (NASB)
He made sure she would be cared for. He made sure she would not be alone. With some of His final words, He honored His mother.
If Jesus — in the worst moment any human being has ever endured — still thought of His mother’s welfare, then you and I have no ground to treat ours with carelessness.
If the Son of God honored His mother, so can you.
The Harder Truth
Here is something nobody wants to say out loud, but you need to hear it: your parents will fail you.
That is not cynicism. It is reality. Every human parent is exactly that — human. Fallen, limited, carrying their own wounds, making mistakes they may not even see. Even the best parents will disappoint you at some point. Even the most loving mother will say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Even the most devoted father will miss something that mattered to you deeply.
This is not a reason to withhold honor. It is a reason to understand what honor actually costs — and where your deepest need for a perfect Parent is truly met.
Jesus taught His disciples to pray: “Our Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 6:9, NASB). God is the Father who never leaves. The Father who never disappoints. The Father whose love is not moody, not distracted, not conditional. Every earthly parent is an imperfect reflection of that perfect Father.
When your earthly parents fall short — and they will — the answer is not bitterness. The answer is to take your unmet needs to the Father who can actually meet them, and to extend grace to the parents who could not.
That grace does not excuse sin. It does not minimize real harm. But it keeps your heart from becoming hard. And a hard heart will cost you far more than a difficult parent ever could.
“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”
— Hebrews 12:15 (NASB)
Bitterness is a poison you drink hoping the other person will suffer. It does not work. It never has. The only person it destroys is you.
A Word About Forgiveness
You may need to forgive your parents. Not because what they did was acceptable — but because carrying it will break you.
Forgiveness is not saying “it did not matter.” It is saying “it will not own me.” It is not a feeling you wait for. It is a decision you make — one you may have to make over and over again before your heart catches up with your will.
And you can forgive someone while still maintaining boundaries. You can forgive and still not trust someone with things they have proven they cannot handle. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiveness is commanded. Trust is earned.
If this is where you are — if you are carrying something heavy from a parent who wounded you — know that you are not alone. And know that God does not ask you to carry it by yourself. Take it to Him. Tell Him the honest truth about what happened. He already knows, and He is not afraid of your pain.
Honor your father and your mother.
Not because they are perfect. Not because they earned it. Not because it is easy.
Because God said so. And because who you become in the process matters more than what they did.
Obey the command. Trust the promise.
For Further Study
This is one of the few commands repeated from the Old Testament into the New. Read it carefully in both places.
- Exodus 20:12 — The original command with the promise
- Ephesians 6:1–3 — Paul’s restatement to Christians
- Proverbs 23:22–25 — A father’s instruction and a mother’s gladness
- Luke 2:51 — Jesus in subjection to His parents
- John 19:26–27 — Jesus honoring His mother from the cross
- Romans 12:17–21 — Responding to evil with good
- Hebrews 12:14–15 — The warning against bitterness
“Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.”
— Ephesians 6:2–3 (NASB)